More Good Jokes

[70novahound]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I...w...a...s.....a...l...m...o...s..t...... m...a...r...r...i...e...d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a.....d..o..c..t..o..r... a..n..d .h..e......t..o..l..d.....m..e....t..h..a..t.....i..f... ..I.....s..p..e...a..k.....s..l..o..w..l..y.....I.... w..o..u..l..d....n..o..t.....s..t..u .t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e.....a..n..d..... I.....w..e..r..e.....s..i..t..t..i..n..g....o..n.....h..e..r..... p..o..r..c..h .a..n...d.....t..h..e...d..o..g...w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g .h..i..s....b..a..c..k.... s..o.....I.....t..o..l..d....h..e..r...t..h..a.t w...h..e..n.....w..e.....a..r..e.....m..a..r..r..i..e..d,..... s..h..e... c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.. s..h..e....t..h..r..e..w.......t..h..e..... r..i..n..g.....i..n..... m..y.....f..a..c..e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "W..e..l..l, .....I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o..... s..l..o..w..l..y,..... t..h..a..t..... b..y..... t..h..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d . a..t.....t..h..e...... d..o..g,..... h..e .w..a..s....... l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a..l..l..s." CJ]:)

[barrysfp45]

Dot you tell such good stories:^O:^O:^O

[crazyd37]

Thanks Barry but they are not my own. My cousin sends the best emails and I just copy & paste!

[barrysfp45]

Hey it's all in the telling. ;)

[70novahound]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." CJ]:)

[70novahound]

Italian Boy's Confession " Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "4 months vacation and five good leads." CJ]:)

[jamajack]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language) Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? 'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' ----------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.' ----------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' ----------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'. --------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'. The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ----------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder. 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute..' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ----------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ----------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.' ----------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgicas Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'OOPS' ---------------------------------------------- While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. Jack

[jamajack]

P E A N U T S A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them." It pays to be careful around old people.

[jamajack]

Laws of common sence 1. Light's Law - Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. Law of Change - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 3. Law of the Second Amendment - Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Law of Automotive Stupidity - If you lined up 100 cars and semi-trucks end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them on a hill, in the fog, on black ice ---- with their lights off. 5. Pair's Law - If the shoe or cowboy boot fits, get another one just like it. 6. Law of Self-Sufficiency - Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 7. Law of Continuing Darkness - A flashlight is a handy retaining device for holding dead batteries ---- especially so in an emergency. 8. Pain in the Dark Law - The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room and toes work equally well for finding doors. 9. Tax Reciprocity Law - A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 10. Obey the Law Law - Remember, when you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Jack

[jamajack]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The block age will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock , will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Daily Thought: Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[70novahound]

A young girl was going on a date. Her Grandma said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys." He is going to try and kiss you. You are going to like it, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast. You are going to like it, but don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like it, but don't let him do that either. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family." Grandma fainted. CJ]:)

[70novahound]

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an 'older' woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit, and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a 'sportsman's double'.........a mother and daughter threesome. He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth, and looking directly into his eyes, she tells him, 'Tonight's your lucky night.' So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter, and she shouts upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake? CJ]:)

[jamajack]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Jack -- ----------------------------------------------------------------- "The key is to Die Young at a very Old Age"

[g-pa1]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 4th November RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 5th November RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pauline. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! Pauline. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8 November RE: The ******** Holiday Party. Vegetarian pr**ks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!! Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director DATE: 9th November RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[70novahound]

Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!! CJ]:)

[jamajack]

*'Twas The Day After Christmas* Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse. The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head. Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore. And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror. The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN." With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox. Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name: "Now Mejier's now Master Card., now Penney's and Sears Here's ,Target's and Walmart's--all here!! To the top or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!" He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk. He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load. Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!" Jack -- ----------------------------------------------------------------- "The key is to Die Young at a very Old Age"