More Good Jokes

[70novahound]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I...w...a...s.....a...l...m...o...s..t...... m...a...r...r...i...e...d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a.....d..o..c..t..o..r... a..n..d .h..e......t..o..l..d.....m..e....t..h..a..t.....i..f... ..I.....s..p..e...a..k.....s..l..o..w..l..y.....I.... w..o..u..l..d....n..o..t.....s..t..u .t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e.....a..n..d..... I.....w..e..r..e.....s..i..t..t..i..n..g....o..n.....h..e..r..... p..o..r..c..h .a..n...d.....t..h..e...d..o..g...w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g .h..i..s....b..a..c..k.... s..o.....I.....t..o..l..d....h..e..r...t..h..a.t w...h..e..n.....w..e.....a..r..e.....m..a..r..r..i..e..d,..... s..h..e... c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.. s..h..e....t..h..r..e..w.......t..h..e..... r..i..n..g.....i..n..... m..y.....f..a..c..e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "W..e..l..l, .....I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o..... s..l..o..w..l..y,..... t..h..a..t..... b..y..... t..h..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d . a..t.....t..h..e...... d..o..g,..... h..e .w..a..s....... l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a..l..l..s." CJ]:)

[jamajack]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST: >> A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance >> and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career >> where >> skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and >> became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college >> what was >> involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned >> all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the >> gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with >> ease. >> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he >> had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor >> saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding >> result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" >> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart >> perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine >> back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on, "I gave you the extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." Jack

[flaretired]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick Manuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it. "

[g-pa1]

And we thought school rules and laws were tough in 1967........may God help us all in 2007 and the coming future. School 1967 vs. School 2007 Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack. 2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. 1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school. 1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock. 2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English. 1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill. 1967 - Ants die. 2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him. 1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing. 2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[ginzokid]

Oh Gene, How true and yet how sad. And I'm old enough to say that you could change 1967 to 1959. Same thing. Where did we go wrong folks? I sure miss "Happy Days"......... TheOldFadda

[nascarpetlover]

Can we say ACLU lawyers. 1967 Kids go to McDonald's and are not obese because they have P.E. in school. 2007 Kids are obese and parents blame McDonald's. Then tell the school's no more PE their brat has a computer to play with. Lou

[70novahound]

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all year? " CJ]:)

[70novahound]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, her friend little Johnny, who was sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret Once again the Nun said," Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted....... CJ]:)

[crazyd37]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your husband. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart: Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced hi s "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" And last, but not least ... 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" Yours very truly, Management of Wal-Mart

[jamajack]

Subject: Girl from North Carolina Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Mississippi . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a girl from North Carolina . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher. Jack

[crazyd37]

...not exactly a joke, but cute: http://www.lindwa.com/Train.htm

[g-pa1]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. The first nun leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The second nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones…”

[jamajack]

Subject: Take your sweater..... Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf. " ... and she said, "Take your sweater." Jack

[g-pa1]

Hope the link below works. It's a cute video. http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html I am not a boomer though... born too early! Gene

[dl85vette]

4 guys go golfing, of whom all like to brag about their sucessful sons. One of the guys stopped into the washroom while the rest started their way to the tee off box. they ask the first guy how his son is doing. He replies "Oh he's doing quite well, he is a successful housing contractor. Always busy building houses. He just built a brand new house for his best friend." The second golfer replies "Yea mine is doing quite well too. He has a reputable car dealership downtown.He just gave his best friend a new Mercedes." The third golfer not wanting to be outdone joins in, "my son is a powerful stockbroker. He is doing so well he gave his friend an impressive portfolio." Just then the fourth golfer returned from the restroom. One of the guys snickering says "hey Bob, Is your son still gay?" The fourth responds "Yea, but he has a new house, a new Mercedes and a fantastic portfolio."

[crazyd37]

9 Months Later... Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?" "Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask ?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you ?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)