More Good Jokes

[70novahound]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I...w...a...s.....a...l...m...o...s..t...... m...a...r...r...i...e...d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a.....d..o..c..t..o..r... a..n..d .h..e......t..o..l..d.....m..e....t..h..a..t.....i..f... ..I.....s..p..e...a..k.....s..l..o..w..l..y.....I.... w..o..u..l..d....n..o..t.....s..t..u .t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e.....a..n..d..... I.....w..e..r..e.....s..i..t..t..i..n..g....o..n.....h..e..r..... p..o..r..c..h .a..n...d.....t..h..e...d..o..g...w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g .h..i..s....b..a..c..k.... s..o.....I.....t..o..l..d....h..e..r...t..h..a.t w...h..e..n.....w..e.....a..r..e.....m..a..r..r..i..e..d,..... s..h..e... c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.. s..h..e....t..h..r..e..w.......t..h..e..... r..i..n..g.....i..n..... m..y.....f..a..c..e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "W..e..l..l, .....I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o..... s..l..o..w..l..y,..... t..h..a..t..... b..y..... t..h..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d . a..t.....t..h..e...... d..o..g,..... h..e .w..a..s....... l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a..l..l..s." CJ]:)

[70novahound]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too." CJ]:)

[jamajack]

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I have no pain. The capsules tell me not to wheeze Or cough or choke or even sneeze. The red ones, smallest of them all Go to my blood so I won't fall. The orange ones, very big and bright Prevent my leg cramps in the night. Such an array of brilliant pills Helping to cure all kinds of ills. But what I'd really like to know........... Is what tells each one where to go! There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt...
Jack -- ----------------------------------------------------------------- "The key is to Die Young at a very Old Age"

[g-pa1]

A History lesson!! Blame the Italians! Railroad Tracks and the Space Shuttle The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/ Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses) Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made byThiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track and the railroadtrack, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!

[g-pa1]

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it develops: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: ----the car isn't washed, ----the bills aren't paid, ----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ----the flowers don't have enough water, ----there is still only 1 check in my check book, ----I can't find the remote, ----I can't find my glasses, ----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. P.S. I just remembered , I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[jamajack]

Try this one-test your knowledge http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.htm Jack -- -----------------------------------------------------------------
Lifes Journey is not to arrive safely at the grave,in a well preserved body, but rather, to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, WOW!!!..., WHAT A RIDE!!

[ginzokid]

20. Not bad for an old guy. B-)

[barrysfp45]

17 first try seems not too bad for someone who doesn't live in the states:^O:^O:^O. ]:)

[jamajack]

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD" "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun). Jack

[taz-of-boyds]

ha ha...

[jamajack]

For some of you the following link should bring back some memories. http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm Jack

[barrysfp45]

Tried to look but dialup sucks big time, although I was only a kid in the fifties, my brother was a teenager and a lot of what I was able to download was part of our home anyway. ]:)

[ginzokid]

That was the story of my life. Although I never got that desired '57 Chevy, I did get a '56 T-Bird. I still have a white sport coat.......

[g-pa1]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems thereis a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.''No problem, just let me in,' says the man' Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.''Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning Today you voted.

[jamajack]

TATER PEOPLE Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

[jamajack]

A highway patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license." "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart-aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" And the rest of the story is;............... The man in the trunk got the $5000.00 and was put on welfare