More Good Jokes

[70novahound]

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, "I...w...a...s.....a...l...m...o...s..t...... m...a...r...r...i...e...d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s,...I....w..e..n..t.....t..o...a.....d..o..c..t..o..r... a..n..d .h..e......t..o..l..d.....m..e....t..h..a..t.....i..f... ..I.....s..p..e...a..k.....s..l..o..w..l..y.....I.... w..o..u..l..d....n..o..t.....s..t..u .t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,.....m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e.....a..n..d..... I.....w..e..r..e.....s..i..t..t..i..n..g....o..n.....h..e..r..... p..o..r..c..h .a..n...d.....t..h..e...d..o..g...w..a..s... s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g .h..i..s....b..a..c..k.... s..o.....I.....t..o..l..d....h..e..r...t..h..a.t w...h..e..n.....w..e.....a..r..e.....m..a..r..r..i..e..d,..... s..h..e... c..a..n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.. s..h..e....t..h..r..e..w.......t..h..e..... r..i..n..g.....i..n..... m..y.....f..a..c..e." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. "W..e..l..l, .....I..... s..p..e..a..k..... s..o..... s..l..o..w..l..y,..... t..h..a..t..... b..y..... t..h..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d . a..t.....t..h..e...... d..o..g,..... h..e .w..a..s....... l..i..c..k..i..n..g..... h..i..s.....b..a..l..l..s." CJ]:)

[jamajack]

For some of us with a few years under our belts... Do you remember these shows? http://objflicks.com/WhenLifewasInBlack&White.htm If Yes ....then you're pretty old..... Jack

[ginzokid]

That was fun Jack. I watched every one of those shows. And my Alaskan Malamute was a great-great-grand-daughter to Yukon King. "Buffalo Bob Smith" was a neighbor too. Small, small world. B-)

[jamajack]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of theLord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. jack

[g-pa1]

This one would get your attention...for sure! WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2005 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[g-pa1]

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!!

[g-pa1]

In the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department, composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters. A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"

[jamajack]

Exercise Routine If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN... NOW SCROLL UP.. That's enough for the first day. Great job. Jack

[jamajack]

Viagra Side Effects A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

[jamajack]

Burma Shave with the Statler Brothers You may need to watch it twice; once to watch the Burma shave signs change and once to catch all the pictures plus listening to the music of the Sattler Brothers. THIS IS REALLY GREAT.For those of you too young to remember "too bad you missed it!" http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm Jack

[70novahound]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight Attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the Flight Attendant. The busy Flight Attendant smiled, and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you." CJ]:)

[jamajack]

The sharing of marriage... The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered..."THE TEETH."

[jamajack]

A cop stops a Honda Goldwing-a BIG Yellow one-for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, So he asks the biker his name. "Jack," he replies. "Jack what?" the officer asks. "Just Jack," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker A break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer Then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to Have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along With it. "Tell me Jack, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Jack Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me All the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went Through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally Got my degree, so I was Jack Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to School. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my Degree, so then I was Jack Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing Dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave Me VD, so now I was Jack Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Jack Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD Leaving me as Jack Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Jack." The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Jack

[g-pa1]

Jose & Carlos > Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle on different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills , drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. > Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?". Jose says , .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars" Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"? Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico " --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[g-pa1]

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. 'God...If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off.

[g-pa1]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES"