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Guicciardini's History of Italy - and Columbus

DEFENDING COLUMBUS:
 
In recent years, Columbus has been getting a lot of bad press for grabbing land,
stealing gold, selling 10 year old girls for sex, killing children to feed his
dogs, instituting race-based slavery, and generally succeeding (where Hitler
failed) at total genocide.
 
But in reality, according to Francesco Guicciardini in my personal copy of his
1563 "History of Italy," (citing various primary sources) "Chris was a
panty-waist coward who could not have been responsible for any of it.  Forget
that **bleep** about a route to Asia.  After finding an old  "The Happiest Place
On Earth" brochure inside a beach bottle, he sailed straight for Disney World.
 
According to the first mate, within sight of land Columbus got a cable stating
that after trashing the 7th Cavalry, the Sioux had come east to hook up with the
Seminoles (who themselves had just invaded Orlando and slaughtered Mickey and his friends)   to throw him and his crew a combo "Happy Halloween" and "Welcome to America" party.
 
Grumbling to himself, "**bleep** This," he turns around and sails back, but to Genoa
and texts his half brother Vito telling him that everything was going ok until
he ..uh, came down with a bad stomach virus, and learning that the Pinta lost
all his luggage -and meds, he had to turn back.
 
He says: "Vito, do me this service. Take the boats and the boys west. I'll give
you the GPS.  Oh, and when you get about half way, you better turn left and head
for the Bahamas.  I heard they got nice hotels and casinos. Make them an offer
they can't refuse.
 
When you sight land, get out and declare for the **bleep** Queen and her fruitcake
husband. Leave the flag, take the cannoli......  and on the way back grab some
broads, some gold, pick up a few slaves, and order two large pies with extra
cheese. I'll give you 40% and a few lines in the National Geographic if you
let me take credit for everything."
 
Vito Columbus discovered America on January 17, 1493 (and, as he always proudly reminded everyone) on Al Capone's birthday.  -so it was Vito who did all that **bleep** for which his brother is getting unfairly blamed.
 
Vito later testified that his brother was a dick and that he was just following
orders.
Ten years later, the Taino secret service finally caught up with Chris on the
French Riviera and sent him back to Gitmo for crimes against humanity. He was
led to his execution screaming:
 "Vito's a lying **bleep**!   Our father never married his mother!!   
Where's my parade!!! "

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