I just can't do it

[mg152]

I've been really depressed since my inlaws died. DH out of work & still going through probate so we need money. I got up today determined to list stuff, I got some items out but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy or the drive to deal with ebay right now. We are paying bills on 2 houses cause I just can't live next door where everything happened & my place is too small for all of us. It's 2 months before we can move. DH needs a job but he can't seem to get motivated either & I get it. He's over 60 & lost both his parents in a month. I know I've said this before but I just can't believe how hard it is for me. We are in a catch 22. We need to get out of here away from the memories but we can't get out of here until he gets a job & probate is over.

Should I just give up for now?  Is there any way to get myself going?

Thanks everyone!

[clearsphere]

Lost my dad 3 months ago so can relate. In the weeks after it happened, I literally spun in circles. First of all, how lucky your husband was to have had his parents so long! Try to find comfort and joy in all the good things they brought to your lives, and know that you'll meet again one fine day. Life goes on, one day at a time. Can he volunteer somewhere until he's able to get a job? Treasure the memories!

[forestthrutrees]

Hi  So very sorry for your loss and the situation that you are in right now. I too have been at the very bottom before so I can sympathize with you. I dont want to say all the pithy normal things people use. So I will say this. You do what works for you. Nothing seems to work right now but how about listing one thing? It doesn't have to be large things yall do. Just one small thing a day. One small thing. Slow and steady. Depression is a dark horse and it is difficult to ride out. But you can and you will. And if you need medical help to do it, get it!! No shame in that at all. I wish yall the best of luck. Always remember this, someone has it much worse then you do. Be thankful for that small thing. 

Robin

[hollysfinds]

Patricia, as we get older it seems things change the most

when we are able to deal with it the least.

Especially when the changes are not happy changes, but sad ones.

I'm so sorry for both you & your husbands loss.

That was good advice given to you by @forestthrutrees.

I know things can get overwhelming, so just focus on

the one thing at a time like they said.

Remember that there won't be money coming in if it's not listed.

Blessings on you both & on your ebay items ( that they sell ).

I hope things turn around for you soon.

[mg152]

Thank you Holly! You've really been good to me the last few years & I value your opinion. It's just so hard! I've experienced a lot of loss. My Sister disappeared May 28 1993 & her body was going feb 2000. Her murderer is in Florida prison. I thought that was hard. I've lost everyone in my family (parents, aunts, uncles etc..) so I usually take loss pretty matter of factly. This is different though. It really hurts. I'll get better.

[mg152]

Thank you! I did try to get help but our insurance told me I had to travel 70 miles for help & right now I can't drive because of my eyesight. I appreciate your kindness.

[callahanmagic]

@mg152: " ... Should I just give up for now? Is there any way to get myself going?"

Your reaching out + share ... is your first sign of NOT giving up.   

Listen + act on the positive feedbacks given to you ...

(am not good with words ... my partner is more well versed ... she's helping out at 

the shelter at the moment )

PM us, if you need to vent.

-

Lucas

*still rollin' with the punches*

[mg152]

Great post! Thank you! I'll get up tomorrow & try again. I've suggested to hubby that he volunteer at the animal shelter as he's an animal magnet. I appreciate everyone of my ebay friends & you all are my friends even though we've never officially met.

[stuff4divas]

---

@mg152 wrote:

 Should I just give up for now?  Is there any way to get myself going?

 Thanks everyone!

---

Hello, I too have experience devastating loss, tragedy, etc in my lifetime, as have most people. When I watch PBS and see the cholera outbreaks, starvations, thirst people are experiencing, babies dying all deformed, I realize how hard life can truly be. BUT, there is also joy, wonders and adventures life can give, if we just open our eyes to it. Try to see the joys in the house you live in and that were given you by your loved ones, revel in them.

There are no shortcuts to overcome tragedies, only time can heal us, I think it is a necessary evil in order to do that healing. Right now I look at the devastations in Texas being done by Harvey and feel for those people whose homes and livelihoods are destroyed.

Listing can be overwhelming, especially in the last 4 yrs where sales have been so low for most of us, it takes out the wind and enthusiasm to list. Don't guilt yourself about it, us ebay sellers can be our worst bosses.

Take a day or 2 off, watch a couple of comedy movies, work in the garden, cook, try to relax to clear your mind.

I was going to buy something from your listings, but I don't see anything listed, at least with this id. Do you have another id so I can buy something from you? Sales always brighten up an ebay seller's day ;D

God bless you and your loved ones. xoxo

[rainbowcolorz]

---

@mg152 wrote:
Thank you Holly! You've really been good to me the last few years & I value your opinion. It's just so hard! I've experienced a lot of loss. My Sister disappeared May 28 1993 & her body was going feb 2000. Her murderer is in Florida prison. I thought that was hard. I've lost everyone in my family (parents, aunts, uncles etc..) so I usually take loss pretty matter of factly. This is different though. It really hurts. I'll get better.

---

Oh dear Patricia .....  my heart goes out to you and your husband.  I wish I could sit with you and have a cup of tea/coffee and just talk about everything.  

I have a little note attached to my beloved dad's photo - it was one of a handful we took together during his last year in 2002.  The note says:

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together,

Keep me in your heart and I'll stay there forever"

Patricia, if there is anything I can do for you, I'm just an eBay ID away.  

PS:  I would love to see you start listing again.  It may take a little while but I'm sure eBay will be here waiting for you whenever you are ready.  

[gramophone-georg]

---

@mg152 wrote:

I've been really depressed since my inlaws died. DH out of work & still going through probate so we need money. I got up today determined to list stuff, I got some items out but I just can't do it. I don't have the energy or the drive to deal with ebay right now. We are paying bills on 2 houses cause I just can't live next door where everything happened & my place is too small for all of us. It's 2 months before we can move. DH needs a job but he can't seem to get motivated either & I get it. He's over 60 & lost both his parents in a month. I know I've said this before but I just can't believe how hard it is for me. We are in a catch 22. We need to get out of here away from the memories but we can't get out of here until he gets a job & probate is over.

Should I just give up for now?  Is there any way to get myself going?

Thanks everyone!

---

Just list ONE item today.

Tomorrow list 2 more.

The day after list 3.

Doing something like this in baby steps always seems to work for me. A journey of a thousand miles, as they say, begins with the first step.

As to dealing with your losses... I can't presume to claim to "know" how you feel- only you know that- but we endured a lot of loss including formerly "invincible" parents over the last year and a half. I have to keep reminding myself that life is sexually transmitted and fatal... for every one of us, too, so there's no sense in taking it personally. It's not targeting you for special treatment- it's just what happens.

The second thing I remind my self daily is to give thanks for what I have and not regret what I've lost.

When you've been a caretaker, this is hard to do. You've done your best for this person and they died anyway. You second guess yourself, and drive yourself into depression with the "if only I would have/ could have" "what ifs" that drive you crazy.

ALL of it is counterproductive.

Patricia... join a bereavement support group in your area ASAP. Get your husband to go too, if you can. Meeting other people who feel as you do coming out of similar situations will make you realize you're far from alone and far from "special" in how you're dealing- or not dealing- with the fallout.

When you're the caretaker for someone close who dies, it's a double- whammy: Not only did you lose the person, you lost your "job"- and reason for living- as well, because good caretakers devote everything to caretaking. 

You're in a circle of grieving, feeling like a failure, and losing your sense of purpose. This is a mentally deadly combination.

Reach out. Seriously.

Ask yourself if the person or people you cared for would want to see you like this. Bet the answer is no. 

Best wishes to you.

[emerald1830]

Hi Patricia..

I can only suggest what works for me..

I have been left alone on this planet since I was a teen. No mum, no father, no siblings, no aunts, no uncles..no one..maybe that's why I've been married twice and divorced twice..Of course, I can only wish I would have a parent around..I just turned 50 and still find myself longing for my father the most. I do have two sons, one is awesome and one, well..that's another story.

I use to be pretty well off..built a business and slowly it slowed down. I find myself in a massive home, living in a neighbourhood with NFL players, baseball players, rich retirees. I see their wives around doing nothing but directing their gardners which plants go where. I on the other hand, have had to sell everything to stay afloat. Working up to 3 jobs and now just two..took a part time at Michael's last year..hated it..made me feel like a failure..depression kicked in..

I have my youngest son and he's wonderful to me, my oldest, steals from me and pawns my stuff..working on getting him out soon. I can't sell the house cause of a court agreement..tied down to a massive mortgage..

So when I feel at the bottom of a well, with no ladder to climb up..and no insurance to get professional help..I just place scented tarts in my entir home, lemon-scented which helps me and I turn up the music like a concert hall..I dance around like a mad-woman..I exercise in my home-gym..I only hear music with a good beat..and my favourite thing to do? walk and walk outside with my headphones!!

Hang in there..as I am typing this, just got a call from Ally..I am behind two car payments..I start getting antsy..so i know it's time to get my music on..and shut the phone off..

As the weight keeps coming off, I have something to look forward to everyday..I do have my 10 strays that have become rulers of my home..so I know I have to stay on this earth..of course, I have thought about what it would be like to just close my eyes forever..but I am thankful I have now found an outlet.

Hang in there...it's tough, it's really tough..

[retrose1]

It's been a hard year for a lot of posters, and I am very sorry you are feeling low and lost.

When sitting in front of the computer to list something has become such a chore that I just don't feel I can do it, I deliberately list something that I know will be an insta-sell.  Even if I am going to lose a little profit on it by making it appealing by being cheap.  Having the sale and packing it up and shipping it out gets me motivated to do more.

And you might want to start looking at breaking out of the slump that ebay has become and maybe look into something new and different.  I do well on another site, and to be honest, that is where I list insta-sells because there are somethings that I can sell there within days of listing.

And if you need money, have a garage sale, or set up a small table at a flea market.  From the sound of it, you will eventually be emptying out at least one house, you might as well get a jump on it so there will be a lot less overwhelming work to do later.  My mom passed away and my dad is deteriorating and so I am doing that now.  Some of the pans and mixing bowls that no one has used in years are slowly leaving the cupboards.  Mismatched glasses are tagged and packed, waiting for the next garage sale.  And try a new genre, I have been amazed at some of the things that have sold that I wouldn't have tried a few years ago.

And remember that you can't change the past, but you can do something about your tomorrow, so you might want to clean things out and move things around so the memories aren't so oppressive for you.  Or find a friend and go out to have a Happy meal lunch or do something around your area that is free and different or low cost.  I have a friend that we go to museums to and do the freebie festivals which gets us out of the house.  Sometimes a change of scenery can make you want to change what you see every day.

[uncseniorsportsfan]

I lost my husband of 45 years at age 69.    I didn't have to deal with probate, because all our assets were in our trusts instead of a will, and his trust didn't require probate.    All our relatives with any assets also had trusts so settling their affairs was relatively easy. 

When my husband passed away I forced myself to join a bowling league, invite friends for lunch and cards,  and volunteer at the animal shelter.   My family except for my elderly aunt were all hundreds of mailes away.   Nights were the hardest because I can't drive after dark, and that is where ebay helped me.   When I couldn't sleep I'd come to the chatboards or list a few things. 

 As I sorted through my husbands things and a few months later my aunt's - I concentrated on finding new homes for their "treasures" whether listing them on ebay,  passing them on to family members, or donating them to the animal league thrift store. 

Fortunately,  I was retired and had put aside money for a rainy day so neither a job nor money were an issue.  I did shut off the master bedroom, but did not feel the need to move out of the house. 

You do have to force yourself to move on - have a plan for the next day, the next week, and the next month.   Depression can be your worst enemy.  Be thankful you still have your husband - find things that you can do together even if it is just a long walk every day.   If you are in need of money - your husband should be able to get a parttime job until a fulltime one can be found.   It at least will be a motivation to get out and interact with people. 

It's hard to lose your parents or inlaws - especially when that means you are now the oldest ones in the family.  But you still have time to make new memories to leave behind for others. 

Even though I hate Florida - I moved here three years after my husband and aunt passed away as this is where most of my family is.  More adjustments had to be made - finding doctors, a dentist, a bowling league, a place to volunteer, and how to fit into the family's life style.    The dog loves everything but the heat, I'm still adjusting.   But ebay still helps to pass the time particularly at night. 

[fashunu4eeuh]

Be gentle with yourself, grieving takes time. The depression will pass and you will come out on the other side. But in the meantime, give yourself permission to take whatever time you need to heal. I am so sorry for your pain, yet it is evidence of your deep well of love for your absent loved ones. That is very special.

So please try not to worry too much--things often have a way of working out. Keeping you in my prayers and God bless you and yours.